


A Series of Awkward Conversations

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Series: Rare Ships Creation Challenge [17]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate season 8, M/M, Polyamory, References to Past Non-Con (non-graphic), Sam's Low Self-Esteem, Trauma-Based Celibacy, past Sam Winchester/Amelia Richardson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:40:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9931397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: A series of awkward conversations after Dean comes back from Purgatory lead to Sam becoming convinced that life is determined to keep him as far away from happiness as possible - all the while rubbing his face in it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Rare Ship Creation Challenge, Round 6  
> Prompt: "No thanks, I'm celibate."  
> Pairing: Benny/Cas/Dean/Sam  
> Partner: just-another-busy-fangirl

The conversation was bound to come up eventually, but even Sam had to admit, Valentine’s Day was likely the worst possible day. It’s not like there hadn’t been a series of awkward conversations already, since Dean came back from Purgatory with a different boyfriend than he’d gone to Purgatory with.

Awkward Conversation 1: “What happened to Cas?” Dean had come back from Purgatory alone, and let Sam believe Cas was dead. Sam hadn’t ever admitted to Dean how much he’d come to love his brother’s angel, so things were very awkward indeed when Sam couldn’t hide just how destroyed he was to learn that Cas was dead.

Awkward Conversation 2: Benny. Things had looked bad until Dean let slip that he loved Benny, and not just as a brother. Sam had reminded Dean about Amy, and Dean had admitted he was wrong then. Whether Dean actually believed that, Sam had never quite decided, but it was enough to make Sam step back and agree to give Benny a chance. After all, if anyone knew just how much losing Cas would hurt, it was Sam. Benny was helping Dean move on, and Sam couldn’t bring himself to make Dean give up that comfort.

Awkward Conversation 3: Castiel wasn’t, in fact, dead. Castiel was alive and standing right in front of them. Sam watched in impotent fury as Dean acted like it was the greatest thing ever. Later, he asked Dean about Benny, and Dean didn’t understand the problem. Having both of them alive was, apparently, just fine with him.

Awkward Conversation 4: After weeks of Sam trying not to spill anything to Benny about Cas or to Cas about Benny, he learns the truth. All three of them are together. At first, Sam thought the jealousy was all about Dean once again getting everything he wanted while Sam was shut out of anything resembling happiness – and, of course, because of Sam’s love for Cas. He needed to get away, and he didn’t mean to go to Kermit, but he did.

Awkward Conversation 4.5: This one wasn’t with Dean, Cas, or Benny. This one was with Amelia. She was happy with Don, but she missed Sam, and if Sam could promise to stay with her, she… A small, selfish part of Sam wanted to take her up on that. It was overwhelmed by the part of him that knew better. Staying with Amelia would just put her in danger, and he couldn’t even give her the love she deserved. Don could.

Awkward Conversation 5: “Where’d you go? We’ve been looking everywhere!” Even Benny had been scouring the country for any sign of the wayward brother. Sam blew them off, made up a story of a spirit that had lured him off and drugged him, which of course he’d fought his way free of. Spirit dead, Dean, there’s nothing to take revenge on, let’s just find the next case, okay? That particular fight had been interrupted by the arrival of one Henry Winchester, and the hunt for Abbadon, and by the time it was over Dean and Benny seemed willing to let everything drop. Then they found the Batcave, and even Sam forgot that they hadn’t really resolved anything.

Awkward Conversation 6: “I could feel you calling out, Sam. I couldn’t find you, but I could feel you. Why did you run from us?” Cas didn’t forget. Cas wasn’t willing to let things drop. Cas insisted on talking to Sam, asking for the truth. Sam stalled, he stonewalled, he did everything he could think of, but one night he just broke down and told Cas everything. How all his life, he’d been fighting against his unnatural love for his brother. How he’d been fighting the same battle against his feelings for Cas since he’d gotten clean of the demon blood, and how grateful he’d been when Cas and Dean got together during the Apocalypse, and back together when Cas saved Sam from the Hell memories. How much it hurt that Benny had gotten what Sam had never even been able to admit to himself he’d wanted, and it hurt even more because he wanted to hate Benny but couldn’t. He wanted to make sure Cas knew that he didn’t begrudge any of them their happiness, but he told Cas about Amelia. About Jess. About how every time he thought he’d found happiness, moved past his hopelessness, he lost everything and was reminded just how little he deserved anything. By the end of Sam’s speech, Castiel was obviously shocked and upset. Sam braced himself for Cas to never speak to him again. Cas disappeared without a word, and Sam curled up in a blanket beside his bed, trying not to cry.

He failed. Badly.

Awkward Conversation 7: Cas came back the next morning, Dean and Benny in tow. Sam hadn’t moved from his spot on the floor, even to get into the bed instead of leaning against it.

“I told them everything,” Castiel announced. “I hope you’ll forgive me. They deserve to know.”

Dean plonked down on the floor right beside Sam. “I get why you didn’t, but I wish you’d said something to me years ago. I thought I was the only one.”

“…The only one?” Sam repeated. “That doesn’t make any sense, Dean.”

Dean reached out and pulled Sam into a hug. “The only one in love with my pain-in-the-ass brother. Since you were sixteen. Ish. Somewhere in there. Couldn’t say anything. Even thought there were times you might felt the same, but I always managed to convince myself that I was wrong, or you’d have the balls to do something about it. It wasn’t predatory, not coming from you. Never could quite convince myself that if I spoke up, I wasn’t preying on you.”

Castiel moved to kneel in front of Sam, catching his eyes. “Sam, I’ve loved you since you saved me from Famine. I wanted to ask you to join us, but Dean wouldn’t agree. Not because he had a problem sharing me, but because of his own fears regarding himself in a relationship with you. After what I did to you, breaking your wall, I didn’t push the issue when I was given a second chance with Dean. I thought there was little point, that even if you might have once felt the same, you wouldn’t by then.”

Benny didn’t move any closer, but Sam could tell it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. “I thought you did hate me, darlin’. In Purgatory, I heard so much about you bein’ the most forgiving person to have ever lived, willing to work with anyone and anything if it would help you, or especially if it’d help Dean. Thought you were toleratin’ me for Dean and Cas’s sakes. Didn’t stop me from realizin’ you were everything these two said you were, and I don’t know how you feel about me, but I’m willin’ to give you whatever you want.”

“Um.” Sam looked between the three of them. “What?”

“You want in? You’re in,” Dean said. “Figure out what you and Benny want. Then we can welcome you officially.”

“Um.” Sam looked down at his hands. This was going to be incredibly awkward. “There’s… you guys need to know something before you do this. I’m celibate.”

Dean blinked. “Since when? Because I know Soulless You was kind of a slut, and there were people before then…”

Sam sighed. “Since I remembered Hell. Lucifer… he… I really don’t want to talk about it, but every time I tried something with Amelia, all I could see or feel was him. So I don’t… I don’t even miss it, really, I only tried with Amelia because she wanted it. I don’t know if it’ll ever get better.”

Castiel reached out to take Sam’s free hand. “I won’t speak for Dean or Benny, but I don’t care. Set your boundaries, and I’ll respect them. If things change, or you want to try pushing them, I’ll work with you, but I still want you.”

“Sammy, you’re my brother. This just makes it a little easier to justify whatever you do want from me, if we’ve got that line we’re not crossing.” Dean kissed Sam’s temple. “Doesn’t mean I’m not jumping across that line, you ever say you want me to.”

“Already said I’m willin’ to give you whatever you want from me. Doesn’t change anything just because you don’t want sex.” Benny came forward now, crouching beside Sam. “Just tell me what you do want.”

Sam would not have believed he could still cry, not after all the tears from the night before. But now, in a cuddle pile of the men he loved, he was crying again. Happy tears, this time. “Thank you. All of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments welcomed!


End file.
